I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
