He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
