I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
