You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You're like the curious george of whores
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
