Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
