Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
