dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize