I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
