I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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