I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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