I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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