woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize