she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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