its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
