He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Still dying that you shit outside
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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