I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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