Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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