Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
