it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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