im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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