Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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