mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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