Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
