Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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