my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I got inside last night via doggy door
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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