how can u be prego again
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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