R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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