Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
