end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize