First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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