She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
