Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
