My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
