You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
