Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
