What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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