My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
