I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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