my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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