dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
