he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
