for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
