saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
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