I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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