DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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