i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize