It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
