Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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