We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
