I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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