you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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