It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
