My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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