im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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