if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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