Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
