the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
